The End

Hey, for all those following this blog for The40YearOldBoy Episode Guides?  I hate to say that Mike basically told me to fuck off, and so I have.  I just can’t sit and listen to the show in the same way I used to.

Did I deserve to be told off?  I don’t know, I guess so, I sure did write Mike WAY more often than I should have, but I don’t think I deserved to be told off in the way I was.

I apologize for this if people were relying on me.  I can’t do this anymore.



The 40 Year Old Boy Episode Guide

Year One

Produced for fans of comedian Mike Schmidt


By Richard Galvin with editing by Kristin Galvin



Hey there,

Rich here with a little explanation of what this is before anyone thinks that it should be something it is not, and yes I just wrote that.  This whole pre-amble here might just be so I can put some of my personality into this thing, because after this, the only personality in this piece is Mike’s, including the rambling way it is written.  This thing has really long, long run on sentences that defy reality, and yet, they exist.  It is set up in such a way that you should be able to identify most stories Mike has told, and a lot of notes so that many of the smaller bits can be found as well, but the notes are based on generalities, and it is completely possible that something you thought was ultimately important did not strike me in the same way.

My wife also helped me out a bit here and there as she has listened to the show almost as much as I have, and offered wording for certain stories to keep them as short as possible.  Most of the descriptions are literally a word or two, some had to be much longer because of what they are, but the idea was to keep it short and sweet, and hopefully simple. 

Another small aside: some might not know that the first year of The 40 Year Old Boy had different songs at the beginning and end of each episode and those original songs are noted at the end of each entry.

With that in mind, if you’re looking for a specific story or anecdote from The 40 Year Old Boy you should be able to locate most of them by perusing this little document that I created.

Thanks, Rich           



Episode One: Year One: It Begins:  The first podcast, and we are introduced to Eric.  Mike has lunch with Karen (his wife), Steve Perry, and paying the bill. We hear about Pat Francis, Tyler Perry, and when Barry became Barak.  Original songs: I’m The One by Van Halen and Oh Sherrie by Steve Perry.

Episode Two: Year One: Let’s Get Physical:  Mike talks about podcasting, e-mails, guests, and money situations.  Then we talk about what Mike remembers, off to the gym, stink ghosts, and the calf raise machine.  We hear of the video store, the restroom and cleaning up.  Finding the offender, a massage, Karen and the hot girl, knuckle deep, and happy endings.  Original songs: Shitlist by L7 and Everybody Wants Some by Van Halen.

Episode Three: Year One: Ready…Aim…Riverside:  Mike’s begins by hitting Riverside, CA, Eric’s love of guns, and Mike’s first live fire drill.  Then it’s on to a charity event, some Ben and Jerry’s, Darfur Now, and Daughtry.  We then hear of a homeless man, The Boss, and crosswalk fights.  Mike mentions his ability to go from red to dead in a matter of seconds.  Original songs: God is a Bullet by Concrete Blonde and Ice Cream Man by Van Halen.

Episode Four: Year One: Swing and a Miss:  Mike talks about friend requests, broken wrists, present day Riverside, April 15th, and the lady that lives in his car.  We hear tales of adult stores, bear porn, a dry erase board, a parking lot, and a description of Mike.  We hear a story of sex at Ralphs and public places, and Mike’s 40th birthday and the threesome.  Original songs: Sinner’s Swing by Van Halen and Tempted by Squeeze.

Episode Five: Year One: Anger is an Energy:  Mike begins with Karen’s reactions to the show, the apartment, neighbors, and the first mention of Racist Lou or Lou the Racist Bartender.  We get indistinct Asians, Johnny Shuffle, the young man, a ride to the police station, and a knife.   Easy going Mike?  Escalations in the post office parking lot, comedy clubs with tall stages, and tables that are easy to walk on.  Mike lets us in on an audience in Peoria, Illinois, Doug Stanhope impersonators, in house racism, and the way you turn it around. This is the first show to mention David “Mex” Hernandez.  Original songs: Rise by Public Image Limited and Big Trouble by Van Halen.

Episode Six: Year One: Don’t You Want Me?:  Mike opens with apartments, pneumonia, strep-throat, and dealing with sick people. Karen smoking while sick, cancer, cat projectiles, and anger poker.  Mike goes on an emergency room visit, imaginary fights, dead gupper shot, and working at Passero’s on the meat slicer.  We go to Lake Tahoe, NV, telemarketing, sex with Pam, bouncing, and don’t you want me Katie?  We find D.J. fighting, back to the emergency room, and Katie’s husband.  In the plugs Mike mentions his working relationship with Comedy Film Nerds for the first time.  Original songs:  Somebody Get Me a Doctor by Van Halen and Don’t You Want Me by The Human League.

Episode Seven: Year One: “M” is for…:  Mike tells us how to open a show, where he is, the hot neighbors, Karen out of town, and the food you eat when you’re poor.  Next up are family relations, the cat projectile, and drugs.  Mike tells us about his mom, Carol, the fight with Mrs. Crumb,  Mike’s mom in the hospital, Lynn the babysitter, Dale jumping out the window, and a ride to Mark’s house.  Mike’s then tells about Lenny suspended, walking to Old Chicago, and mom’s bait and switch.  There is the First mention of The Monday Night Tease and Lili VonSchtupp happen in the plugs.  Original Songs:  And the Cradle Will Rock by Van Halen and Mother by Danzig.

Episode Eight: Year One: Mike, Mike and Han Solo:  Opening up with Riverside, CA, Eric’s apartment, hosting The Monday Night Tease, Lili, burlesque and stripping.  We are told a tale about a Vegas strip club and Valkyrie, and Mike gets slapped in the face.  Mike talks Mike Toomey and Brian Keith, Bo Jackson, a strip bar in South Dakota, an adult book store, a convenience store in North Dakota, doing radio promotion, the Mach 5 keychain.  We get a Speed Racer review, and Karen’s snack behavior in the movie theater.  Mike goes out to dinner with Eric’s wife, Eric’s hobby, and Eric’s wife exiled to the bedroom.  Mike talks sleeping habits, defines a Han Solo, naked Mike, an open window, and a lit candle.  This was producer Eric Butterfields last show with Mike.  Original songs:  Dirty Movies by Van Halen and Michael by Franz Ferdinand.

Episode Nine: Year One: A Change at the Top:  Mike explains why he is in Burbank, CA, and no longer going to Riverside, we are introduced to Lili VonSchtupp, and Lili laughs audibly for the first time at five minutes into the show.  Mike discusses NNF, his attitude, dining and dashing, and his three closest friends, Dave, Dennis, and Jeff.  We get Dennis (clean up your squeak), Jeff, the breakfast buffet, throwing waffles and Sino-Japanese salad at people.  We get told about losing fights between brothers, a football game, avoiding Larry Bagwell, Mike’s high school reunion, Barb, smoking in the elevator, and a glass of water.  Pete flexes a toga and more, bicycles and a slap on the back, plugs, and a comment on the mailing list.  Original songs: Where Have All the Good Times Gone by Van Halen and Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen.

Episode Ten: Year One: You Down With B.B.O.P.?:  Mike doesn’t know what to talk about, patient zero, notes on Lili, microphones, Hawai’i, listener requests, the color of the walls, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.  Dressing up at the movies, First Blood, Gordon Biersch, Jambaroo, uncomfortable bathroom smells, pocket dialing a sushi restaurant, tech savvy friend, and a pic of Mikes cock.  We get stories of Brother Glenn, a small town, two houses, South Park, and the big bag of porn.  Mike telling stories about sex and weight, comedian P. Kelly’s mustache, more sex, Mike and Karen’s sex tape, camera phones weren’t made for this, off into the plugs, and don’t send Mike pictures.  Original songs:  The Full Bug by Van Halen and Private Life by Oingo Boingo.

Episode Eleven: Year One: A Week in the Life:  Talking to your radio, Lili’s furniture, nothing to talk about, calling for a ride, Denny’s, Karen drives and Mike walks home.  We go voting, Karen’s pregnancy scare and David backs up blindly.  R. Kelly and his black bag of porn, Mike goes to the movies, Sex and the City, Jason Hervey, bad line service, a grieving Marissa, Mike and Karen have cupcakes, the Artie Lange, early birthday presents, light up purse, a life lesson, and John Mellencamp tickets.  Original songs:  Girl Gone Bad by Van Halen and Days of the Week by Stone Temple Pilots.

Episode Twelve: Year One: Familiarity Breeds Contempt:  Mike’s uncomfortable, nothing to talk about, Mike and Lili’s working relationship, what Lili is making, and the spit take.  We get areola measuring, a game with Kurt and David, and poor effort at a telemarketing job.  We hear about Angel’s stadium, rally bell night, and baseball jail.  Mike tells about chugging short beers, country club gigs, no swearing, Viagra, a response to episode eleven, Karen is the hero, living with Kurt, plugs, and the rules for Comedy Film Nerds.  This is the first episode to exceed 60 minutes at 1:07:47.  Original songs:  Hear About it Later by Van Halen and I’m Not Like Everybody Else by The Kinks.

Episode Thirteen: Year One: Not the Man I Used to Be:  Mike wonders how we listen, the show, money, former producer, micromanaging, personality quirks, The Happening, and bad movie etiquette.  Then we test the mic, back to the movies, and this isn’t going to continue is it? Lili wants to punch that chick!  Mike tells us about aging, gastric bypass, changing your head, the strategy of all you can eat sushi, noises from the body, and checking your blood pressure.  Mike tells us about being indestructible, falling on the ice, head butting things, getting hit by a car and hitting back.  Mike isn’t sure what he’s doing, always be neat, Artie Lange, grooming is important, hair that grows in other places and trimming the hedges until they bleed.  Mike’s cock is famous, plugs, giving some love to Comedy Film Nerds and Never Not Funny.  Original songs:  Bottoms Up by Van Halen and If You Want Blood, You’ve Got It by AC/DC.

Episode Fourteen: Year One: From One Class Clown to Another…:  Coming to you from your computer, the business of parking, a late start, Lili’s sleeping habits, work and friends, and fucking around in school.  The invention of raider ball, double promoted, a bullet for show and tell, Barry Bullet, double promoted, big for his age, and Brian falling through the ceiling.  Mike’s bachelor party, and a Barb the walrus personal ad. We talk Mike Toomey, Cesar Romero gets Desi Arnaz , and dying of laughter.  Back to being double promoted, moving to a new school, and Glen G. kicks Mike’s ass.  Mike got double promoted, ditching Creative Writing, internal suspension, the summer after high school, hanging with Carl, failing driver’s ed., looking for a job, and Carl forgets.  Showing up a day late, I’m not making any money talking these days, plugs, and a tribute to George Carlin.  Original songs:  Little Dreamer by Van Halen and The Planet is Fine by George Carlin.

Episode Fifteen: Year One: I Know Who You Used to Be:  Mike asks how we eat Pringles, the intrigue of burlesque, The Monday Night Tease and Quentin Tarantino, chasing away your producer, and back to burlesque.  Nothing  to talk about, helping Pat Francis out, filling time in the heat, powdering up, and gastric bypass surgery.  What doctors prescribe, Mike’s appendix, prescriptions, and changing doctors.  Pat Francis likes autographs, stalking the Nuge, tales of Nugent past, bouncing:  the girl who dove for the stage,  Judas Priest, 454 defends the flag, bouncing when white, and a street fight.  Head butting the podium, suspended from work, new policies at The House of Blues, and The Booya Tribe!  I remember who you used to be, The Daz Band, and Rick James, Ted being Ted, autograph people, Ted sneaks away, and a little more burlesque.  This is Mike’s longest show so far at 1:22:06.Original songs:  Mean Streets by Van Halen and Let it Whip by The Dazz Band.

Episode Sixteen: Year One: Who Needs a Hug?:  Mike is the talent, time for recording, going to extremes, in a head shop, paranoia, Scoop Schmidt, Police response, more paranoia, and the purple sticky salvia.  We get more police activity, television cops, calling mom, Adderall, an early record, buying croissants, really hot girls, really deaf girls? the sex that happens in Mike’s head, and nothing to offer a deaf girl.  Mike talks about talking, the length of the show, and doing stand-up with Judd Apatow.  Out on the road in Ohio with Marge, Susan, Brian and Jimmy, and the origin of Schleprock,  Apatow, Jonah Hill, Jason Schwartzman, touching Tommy Lee, closing it out with Jonah, burlesque, Quentin Tarantino, hugs and plugs.  Original songs:  Romeo Delight by Van Halen and I Go to Extremes by Billy Joel.

Episode Seventeen: Year One: Hi There…Wanna Ride?:  The sex of the audience, my cock picture is gone, happy Lili, recording a farewell show, Quentin Tarantino burlesque, and how does your car know?  We meet some people at the bus-stop, riding the bus, a Train Spotting flaw, and Mike’s horror movie.  The bb gun fight, between the eyes and ten to run.  We go back to the bus-stop, Tarantino, grammatical errors, more Quentin, The Who at Rock Honors, plugs, and Batman.  Original songs:  Panama by Van Halen and Magic Bus by The Who.

Episode Eighteen: Year One: Hispanic Jokers and White Russians:  Mike is gonna find an open mic, Bruce Lee and Artis Gilmore, inside Mikes head, don’t upset Lili, fast food seafood, The Dark Knight, and  saving seats.  Mike talks a 1968 Lincoln, Bill Brady, the phone bit, Kevin Naughton snapping, the Brady reaction, working the room, and an example of blatant racism with a white Russian.  Mike heads out to see The Dark Knight, Batman and the Hispanic Joker on television, marry that girl, and Ricky Gervais.  In the Kodak Theater, The West Side 86Jokers, Hollywood and Highland, and pissing in the sink.  We learn about doing things naked, pants problems, more children in the men’s room, Mike tells us why he doesn’t write back, why he hasn’t written for Comedy Film Nerds, why you should buy NNF season one, and why he is ready to snap.  Original songs:  Light Up the Sky by Van Halen and Freedom of Choice by Devo

Episode Nineteen: Year One: The 41 Year Old Boy:  We begin with a false start, Wednesday record, earthquakes and The Chino Hills incident of 2008.  We hear about Mike’s first earthquake, tornados, more earthquakes, Mike’s birthday, and no changing the name of the show.  No drowning with Karen and Lili, Mike’s birthday dinner, no Ruth’s Chris, Gordon Ramsey’s, and the peanut butter and jelly cake.  What The London used to be, going up to the roof, and the adventures of Mike and Karen.  We are given the gift of Rick Springfield, the music of the show, meeting Eddie Van Halen, shaking hands with Ice-Cube, Axl Rose, and back to Rick Springfield.  Original songs:  Can’t Get This Stuff No More by Van Halen and, What’s Victoria’s Secret by Rick Springfield.

 Episode Twenty: Year One: Hey, Your Click Wheel is Right There…:  Enjoying the music, fuckture, early record, eating Reagan era hotdogs, audio complaints, talking in circles, the Tiger Lily show, gay lunch, fake Seth Rogan, I am the best, and getting the audience on board.  Bombing on stage, following Andy Daly, it gets inside your head, typos in an e-mail, and obsessing over everything.  We still get Phone books, junk mail, not my job, telling the same story, and going to concerts: John Mellencamp, as well as the Re-Generation Tour (Naked Eyes, ABC, The Human League and Belinda Carlisle).  Getting some fast food, pro-active homeless, Filet-O-Fish, more homeless tales, plugs, and closing out the Crouching Tiger Earthquake story.  Original Songs: Hang Em High by Van Halen and Kelly’s Lazy Papa by Go Home Productions (mash-up).

Episode Twenty One: Year One: Careful Where You Point That Thing:  Blackjack, it’s good to be here, I-Phone noise, Penguins, Christmas Carols with Mike Toomey, and anybody who drinks bud doesn’t like me.  Mike responds to Lili, David, Swing Vote, Chinese food, the concert Mike couldn’t go to and anti-fun night.  We hear about Kevin Costner’s hand job, movie stars in person, shooting long, older women, The Foxfire Lounge, a blowjob and a lack of towels.  Mike talks about long distance fire, sex on the floor, lesson for the ladies, the first description of graveyardville, you’re not getting laid, Mike’s favorite Simpsons episode, a European gentleman and The Holocaust.  Mike talks infomercials, the Magic Bullet, Shop Erotic, anything you can cook, eat, makes your cock bigger, or can be used as a sex toy, pushing the Something Planet Podcast, plugs, some notes on last week’s closing song, some more on infomercials and Extenze.  Original Songs: Eruption by Van Halen and Pretty Mess by Vanity.

Episode Twenty Two: Year One: Oh My God, He Like…Totally Knows:  Mike opens in distraction, a Tropic Thunder review, Devil Doll, in graveyard mode, a bad experience at The Waffle, side order of hash browns, Kugula, problems holding food down, and not buying clothes at the fat guy store.  Lenny gets Mike a job, not the best menial worker, this story is too long, sleeping at Little Caesar’s, and falling asleep at the 7-11.  Going out in a plug, Mike has a lisp, force feeding Lili, and Olympic rowers from Connecticut.  Original songs:  The Dream is Over by Van Halen and Sleepyheads by The Black Crowes.

Episode Twenty Three: Year One: My Teeth Are Strong:  Opening with a Wednesday record, fantasy football, Mike’s teeth, picking up Karen, the dress code at burlesque shows, and Lili gets angry.  Men in sandals, you smell like stripper, and Karen goes to the strip club.  We are told of travelling with the rabbit, Karen’s mom, and the picnic at Karen’s sisters.  Then we hear about Shauna, the inexperience of youth, love bites, and the way parents deal with things.  We close out with plugs, a story from The Paul Goebel show, getting ready for Karen to come home, and books by the pound.  Original songs:  So This is Love by Van Halen and Baby’s Comin Back by Jellyfish.

Episode Twenty Four: Year One: C.J., Salieri, and  Ghostrider too:  Mike begins as the nation’s visitor, why Mike is a comedian, the phone, Whitesnake, a country club gig, the comedy condo, Mex gets a dog, squirrels and electrical cords, dog problems, white people hiding, hecklers at country clubs, and killing yourself on the podcast.  The Mike Schmidt survey, auditions at Nickelodeon, animal projectiles, a visceral experience, bathroom guy, turning down roles, and making it classy with F. Murray Abraham.  Audition room observations, and Mike is bad with business.  Having a certain look, Nicolas Cage, Shannon Doherty, Pamela Anderson, and having a shot.  The Motley Crue family, here’s looking at the news, grown up high school, fucked up face (FUF), and solving a Wheel of Fortune puzzle in the nail salon.  Mike would rather not talk about his dad, car accident, Pat gets a dent fixed, and the gypsies.  Wondering who owns the hair salons, back to the accident, the other guy’s mechanic, and rental cars.  Typical guy things, Sarah Palin, and Mike hits the wall.  We get some plugs, a mention of Brian Noonan’s radio show, and a little fantasy football.  Original songs:  I’ll Wait by Van Halen and Aenema by Tool.

Episode Twenty Five: Year One: You’re Finished:  We get some back and forth, naked Lili, having a rough week, Mike’s 5th grade teacher, and doing his homework.   Lenny and Ms. Jimenez, last week’s show, comics and civilians, Kitchen Confidential, and Beyond the Mat.  A Comedy Film Nerds live show, sweating, and The Paragon of Comedy.  Mike is really good at this, self-analysis, a slider eating contest, not doing homework, and tales of the intra-school contest.  We are told the rules to speed eating/chugging, the beginning of the pie eating contest, Mike likes married women, the wall of underwear,  back to the pie eating contest at Knott’s Berry Farms, you’re finished, The Stu Look, and I’m gonna eat pie out of your skull you fuck.  The Fuck Chick Hoop hat, Jimmy Buffet, Kenny Chesney, and eating a shaker of salt.  We get some plugs, dropping the dog off, Man on a Wire, and the theater it was seen in.  Original songs:  Fools by Van Halen and The Salt in My Tears by Martin Briley.

Episode Twenty Six: Year One: Metamucil and Regret:  We open with Mike and KISS Alive II, Pat’s ultimate band, Mike discovers KISS, i-tunes, and a bathroom story with a phone break.  We hear about glitter and strippers, Lili fixes the computer, Lou the racist bartender, Dean Cameron calls, Kirstie Alley, KISS and Gene Simmons.  We hear a story about the UFC, Chuck Liddell, Robert Kennedy, we learn how to play Tiger Woods golf, and UFC video game decrees.  Mike receives a phone call in Spanish, Lindsey Buckingham, celebrating Karen’s birthday at Katsuya, Justin Timberlake, Guatamalan Bus People, Matt Dillon, Tony Bennett, and old people’s flatulence.  We get the plugs, Vegas, being fantastic, and parallel parking.  Original songs:  Women in Love by Van Halen and Go Your Own Way/Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.

Episode Twenty Seven: Year One: Don’t Go in the Basement:  Let’s do a live podcast, Fleetwood Mac, the age of the listener, waiting on Facebook, texting, and seeing Van Halen.  Mike’s not writing back, Evil Dennis on the bus, cat pee, shirts, mom doesn’t go in the basement, the stain on the rug, and a girl in Lenny’s room.  We find out about the window well, neighbors, and homemade security systems.  We are told about masturbating, getting caught, and cleaning up.  We hear about Mike getting drunk, getting kicked out of the house, mowing the lawn, Glenn and the dryer.  We learn where Mike slept when he was out of the house, and getting caught masturbating.  We have dinner at the Manderette, the gay mafia, the gayest sentence ever uttered, and Karen gets the stare down.  Mike gets 170 e-mails, plugs, travelling to Ireland, and no one wants to know your opinion.    Original songs:  Woman in Love by Van Halen and Teenage Kicks by The Undertones.

Episode Twenty Eight: Year One: The Perils of Being Thrifty:  We open with ham radio, police band radios, car insurance gypsy scam, Lili tells uncle jokes, Mike wants us to define the Hot Clown, not 42, uploading the show, a Phillies fan, a more professional show, listening right away, Zune, the I-Pod, and Jerry Seinfeld.   Mike discusses Apple and Microsoft commercials, who has the money, and Thrifty Rent A Car.  We go on holiday in Chicago, dinner, valet service and a stolen rental car.  The way you pronounce insurance, who’s responsible, a cab for eight, the phone call game, going rounds with Thrifty, the valet company takes responsibility, still trying to collect, and poor customer service.  Back to Mike getting drunk from last week, a woman offers oral sex, the houses you end up at, and Tony’s mom.  Mike ends up in the emergency room, dizzy and driving, three a.m. in ER, blood pressure, the night nurse, and Mike’s ears get irrigated.  We have the doctor taking over, ear candy, and a professional nurse.  We get some plugs, The Phillies in the playoffs, Zune humor, The Gay Bar, games, a full tivo, and Hitler.  Original songs:  On Fire by Van Halen and Gay Bar by Electric Six

Episode Twenty Nine: Year One: What Would You Do in Heaven?:  We open with some numerology, psychics are not real, what if the zombies attack, Mr. Georges, more zombies, and Mike’s dads take.  We hear about Lili’s laugh preserver, defining The Hot Clown, listener Jay and his wife.  Some guy is watching Mike shower, voyeurism, naked homeless people, homeless people fighting, and Mike’s mom goes to Phoenix leaving Mike with all the money.  Mike throws a party, drunk Mike, Lenny takes control, party take two, and the police come.  A little dine and dash, a locked back door, and paying the bill.  Kenny “The Monster” drinks a bottle of ketchup, Mike is spending all the cash, and mom is coming home early.  Mark and Kenny help out with the funds, Mike has a plan to collect for charity, and I didn’t even know what Unicef was.  Mike has a three-way in heaven with Pam Anderson and 1975 Ann Margret, the perfect height to suck my nipples, a dwidget, Billy Barty, and Peter Dinklage.  The word is not midget, we get the plugs, Mike is going to Vegas, The Heroes and Villians MNT, Wendy and pick up lines, the Phillies and the Cubs.  Original songs:  Cathedral by Van Halen and Baseball Furies Chase by Barry Vorzon.

Episode Thirty: Year One: Hey, That Penguin Can Talk:  Lili opens the show, Mike goes to Vegas, old set lists, Heroes and Villians, comedy has no 401K, sushi doesn’t keep, Casinos are like cities, Lili says no to Vegas, Mike is yawning, the music is important, The Phillies, Tampa Bay gives out rally bells, Dodger Stadium, baseball with Jimmy Pardo and arguments.  We drink Propel, Quarantine, and The Blair Witch Project.  We get some Cloverfield, Quarantine, retching in the dark, first person shooters, and speed.  Mike meets Keanu, The Jonas Brothers, new music, your music, collecting cassette tapes, who cooks dinner, playoff basketball with Reggie Miller, and Chunky A.  Mike is playing by the train tracks, falling down at Johnny’s, Lenny sells Mike out, Rocka Rolla, meeting Beavis and Butthead, loudly talking, understanding dialogue, complicated plot-lines and two stupid guys who won’t shut up.  We get to some of the things Mike can’t do, still dealing with Beavis and Butthead, waiting for you to make your move, and going home.  Mike gives more Vegas, when Mike became a Phillies fan, Steve Carlton with an arrow, Mike Schmidt sneaks in, ignoring the fans, Mike heckles no name players, giving it to Ron Cey, Ron Cey gives it back, and the Cubs win, Cubs win.  We get some plugs, a mention of the thirtieth episode, a thank you to Eric, plugging Never Not Funny Season 1, Halloween candy at Walgreens, caramel apple candy corn, and eating strange food.  Original Songs:  “Could this be Magic” by Van Halen and “Say it Ain’t So” by The Outfield.

Episode Thirty One: Year One: Go Ahead, Put it Through Again:  Mike talks about listening to last week’s show, Vegas, conversations with Eric, MCing the Heroes and Villians Tease, Jeff calls it a gupper, Karen looks for the gumper shot, no strip clubs in Vegas, blowing the funwad, a 40th birthday party in Vegas, five in the morning at a strip club, Mike enjoys sleaze on the internet, Mike sees someone who knows in a porno, porn on the internet, The Phillies, trash talking is a thing of the past, you can find trouble in Vegas, Johnny Jaw and his wingman, Mike on the road in South Dakota, Jeff Connor, and The Rushmore Comedy Tour.  We find out that Jeff is the ring announcer, Sam, Lenny, Rocky, and Mike in South Dakota, Sam always gets the girl, playing who am I going to fuck in the bank, and Mike gets the girl.  Mike takes a look in Rocky’s medicine cabinet, Rocky is a cutter, Dave Mustaine on a dragon, Mike fucked Keyser Soze, and telling Lenny and Sam.  Mike gets back with Rocky, avoiding a walk in the woods with Rocky, Jeff sends Mike on the road to Mission, and a guy brings a gun to the show.  Mike gets in his car and goes, you only remember the sex, recording on a Tuesday, and how crazy becomes rational.  Meeting a girl from Minot, Mike’s mullet, Mikes hammer pants, and the girl from Minot gets off.  We go back to Craigslist, Nevada, an adult bookstore, a glory hole, a guy in the next booth, and a conversation through a hole in the wall.  We go to the plugs, going to see the Saw, The Soloist, and musical homeless people.  Original Songs:  “Beautiful Girls” by Van Halen and “Crazy Bitch” by Buck Cherry.

Episode Thirty Two: Year One: Jesus is a Zombie:  Mike ends up at Taco Bell, weird food, back to Taco Bell, adding water to powder, and biting the baby.  Mike tells us about breakfast burritos, the bacon chocolate bar, and back to Taco Bell.  Mike’s been listening to past episodes, editing, a Phillies jersey, undefeated jeans, and The World Series.  This is where everything falls apart, Ron Santo, The Cubs, Jesus sends a storm, Mike’s baseball rituals, Jesse Spector, and why does zzzzzzzz represent sleep?  We go back to baseball, Jesus is a zombie, hiding brains for Easter, Best Buy, and the porn on your computer.  We hear about computers and naked pictures of you, haircut, Natalie and Kelly.  Natalie goes rogue, experimental hair is out the window, David Cook, an asymmetrical haircut works against you, prison, and where they store their hopes and dreams.  Mike was watching OZ, not a fan of rape, the Phillies, Anderson “The Spider” Silva, Mike talks about being the best, good at rape, the perils of nothing to talk about, glory hole reprise, and an argument with a Picasso.  Back to Mr. Silva, Jet Li finds Chuck Norris, Silva finds Jean Claude Van Dam, Rocco Siffredi, and all I know about prison I learned from television.  We talk more Phillies, Obama vs. McCain, who you want for president, Sarah Palin, The Joker, and Mike won’t write about the Phillies.  We go to a Saw movie, plugs, voting, Sarah Palin, discourse is done, Washington D.C., Mike rooting for chaos, and the comedy potential.  Original Songs:  “Halloween” from the movie soundtrack and “Every Day is Halloween” by Ministry.

Episode Thirty Three: Year One: A Crushing Blow for Jerome:  Mike opens with a Phillies win, where the podcasts live, when you write Mike, Brian Noonan, picking sides, what you eat when you’re poor, don’t be poor, why Mike got fat, home-made chicken soup, and Mike’s brother Scott with a knife, “check out my blade.”  Mike goes voting, a stranger from our building when Motley Crue acts, Mick Mars joins the band, using the deaf voting booth, John McCain shows up, Obama, what happens when there is a black president, Prop 8, and Prop 2.  We get Affirmative Action in Nebraska, black guys in Nebraska, and who is more intolerant?  The way people react to the election, Sarah Palin, and the Republican party.  We have a late Wednesday record, the devil blanket, a guy at graveyardville and his re-action to the podcast, dangerous Mexican eggs, and stabbed with a hot dog fork.  We go to the plugs, Mike’s new computer, hosting  MNT, Mike is not that into the show, Mike hates E! and Madonna.  Original Songs:  “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who and “Soul Corruption” by Graham Parker.


Episode Thirty Four: Year One: Blank the Horny Mailman:  Mike goes live after a false start, a pregnant pause, winning the lottery and adopting children.  We’re hopping on a plane to China, giving credit to Lili, Robin has a shoe in his pants, Mike loves Batman, Mexican Jays, Lucy was never funny, eating sushi alone, and enjoy your workout later.  Mike gets e-mails asking for pictures of Lili and a whole lot more.  Every day a mailman is putting something in a box, Paula Goodspeed, American Idol is stalkerific, famous for nothing and take Paula Abdul out with you.  Mike has been working at graveyardville, Sports Soup, and who gets what job.  Mike hasn’t had much sleep, Sushi bar etiquette, a hot girl, on the phone with Mex, and punch a guy in the cock.  Mike sees some No on 8 rallies, Mormons, live your own crazy, take a tip from blank the horny mailman, the word literally, pranks in the bathroom, pranks on The Ultimate Fighter, and there’s no way to come back from that.  Mike doesn’t like pranks, dumps cold water on Karen in the shower, Karen gets him back, and Mike breaks the shower door.  Mike tells the manager, Mike goes to a Who show, white people for Obama, back to The Who, and Mike’s apartment manager is in a band.  A week of awkward nonsense, e-mails from past girlfriends, Mike makes a phone call to break it off, and Karen goes through the garbage.  Back to e-mails from old girlfriends, Mike tells Karen, and the right time for the phone call.  A friends wife does a standing split, I will never forget you can do that, and remember when we?  The automated car wash and a nick in the windshield, and no one is safe around me.  We go to the plugs, Role Models, plugs, switching e-mail servers, breaking up, getting back together, and a case of blue balls.  Original Songs:   “Unchained” by Van Halen and “When You Close Your Eyes” by Night Ranger.


Episode Thirty Five: Year One: I Say that with Absolute Confidence…:  Mike is filling in, fascinated with BBC radio, Mike brings up the I-pod vagina, a car vagina, Mastercard is after me, back to BBC, satellite radio, like a Guy Ritchie movie, love for Lili, new music, watching UFC, and Brock Lesnar.  We read Mike’s notes, National Lampoon Radio, and Nadine interviews Comics on Comics.  We hear about The X-Men in San Francisco, I jerk off to everything, a bible of show notes, Slugworth, in the future, Defamer, and someone I know died.  Mike is funny at a wake, avoiding reality, avoid your dad’s wake, the day before my 13th birthday, at Mike’s dads wake, going to Old Chicago with dad and the drive home, in my little brothers head, and the first dead body.  My brother in law’s wake, talking to a twelve year old like an adult, still funny at a wake, and Mike is not good with death.  Mike gets an e-mail about the passing of a friend, and not writing back.  Mike is protecting himself from facing death, Mike describes the game Impossible Situations, and a boy who drowned on a nametag. Mike is becoming friends with a girl, terrorists ruin a Sleepless in Seattle moment, still friends, and I want a shot at the title.  Googling people you know, still dead, funny on the internet and at wakes.  We go on the Mike Schmidt Not Yet in the Ground Tour, plugs, Fat Ketchup, Book Me for Your Wake, the death of John Ritter, Axl is our Elvis, its Book Me for Your Wake, more credit problems, Axl Rose, Chinese Democracy, and Dr. Pepper.  Original Songs:  “DOA” by Van Halen and “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns and Roses.


Episode Thirty Six: Year One: No Cameras, No Talent:  We begin with a second attempt, Lili is looking, a manic episode, and who hears pills?  It’s Thanksgiving, going to Vegas, Lili wants to go to a strip club, and some flint and tinder.  Karen loves decorating, Mike playing football, a dislocated shoulder, crawling home, Thanksgiving at the bar, and the way people can cook.  We go to Mike and Karen’s first Thanksgiving, calling from the bar, Karen’s chewing gum, in the car outside mom’s house, and a blowjob with some gum.  Mike did the Comics on Comics podcast, packet of information, Marc Guggenheim, and Mike makes fun of things.  We take a yawn break, letters from around the world, and Mike talks Lordi.  We go to OzFest with Pat, bottles of urine, and Lordi is terrible.  Mike and Karen eat at The House of Blues, standing room only, Stolen Babies, reserved seats, Lizzy Borden, Lordi, and a recap of the night.  We get the plugs, more Lordi, and Lou the Racist Bartender carries a briefcase.  Original Songs:  “Feel Your Love Tonight” by Van Halen and “Hard Rock Hallelujah” by Lordi.

Episode Thirty Seven: Year One: The Spell of Safety:  We open circling one or two, cut by soap, if your deodorant makes a noise, shoelace lottery, fancy underwear, fancy soap, and a ten pack of Zest.  Used to not being queer, Vegas, poker, nothing is real in Vegas, Mumbai, 9/11, and Seattle.  Fuck Chick Hoops, girls vs. boys basketball, the Jedi Mind trick, Mike C. fights Mar, the competition, children on the farm, practice, playing the game, and winning.  Mike talks agitators in hockey, pay the piper, porn movie descriptions, blowjob from the past, a walk through, trucks backing up, reprimand, Harry Hickstein, back to the blowjob, one terrorist captured, working out to die, 50 hours of cocaine, covering the desk in graveyardville, Graveyard Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, eating, drinking, and gambling in Vegas.  Mike usually decides to get drunk, there is a very quick mention of Mikes one time job making bets in Lake Tahoe, a drink on Mike’s birthday, getting drunk in Vegas, and free booze only.  We go to the plugs, and the puppy cam.  Original Songs:  “In A Simple Rhyme” by Van Halen and “Seattle” by The Classic Crime.

Episode Thirty Eight: Year One: Nobody Gets Hit but Me:  A millet bell and Mike Schmidt’s teeth, Lili is busy on a Wednesday, bringing someone else to Disneyland, Mikes Bulgarian Blazer, a very quick mention of candy tubs, the happiest place on earth, The Halftime Comedy Show, and Mike gets his head shaved.  Mike isn’t it feelin it, best podcast 2008,, worst episode ever, Mike is throwing punches, Mike is bleeding, and Eric has a towel.  A fan at the AC/DC concert, Jimmy, Pat, and Mike go to the Forum.  If Mike falls on the bathroom floor, the three people standing next to us; pierced face, Carmen Appice look alike, and the Mike Muir look alike.  Mike takes his glasses off, they leave early, and if a fight started.  Pat wants an autograph, AC/DC no shows, sleeping out for tickets, Van Halen in February, Mike doesn’t wear coats, no ticket sales here, cutting in line, and a new way to sell tickets.  Mike sleeps out in the summer for David Lee Roth, the wrestler, The Fray, a DDT in the grass, you could really hurt somebody, and Murderball.  What dead person would you have dinner with?  Karen wanted to go to AC/DC, Karen buys tickets to Van Halen, a crutch for Sammy, sex in The Staples Center, sex in the men’s room, Spanish fly in sixth grade, plugs, Gene George, The Muppet Tease, Mike and David are Statler and Waldorf, Ian leaves Mike a gift, Pat and Eddie Money.  Original Songs:  “Top Jimmy” by Van Halen and “Street Fighting Man” by The Rolling Stones.


Episode Thirty Nine: Year One: A Tiny Hat and a Mouthful of Fish Hooks:  Mike opens up with Chicago, the generosity of airlines, Twitter, The Wizard of Oz hanging, hidden in Disney films, shaved panda, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Jennifer Connelly, and Karen is here.  The Emergency Room, the apartment complex, Karen speaks, being married, and the trust of a relationship.  Shooting the talent, The Jesus and Mary Chain, celebrity has become religion, not advocating violence, The Podcast Jenkins show, bad things happen at the circus, spectacular death, and Mike talks Snuggie.  We get the very first 40 Year Old Boy commercial; The Island of Misfit Toys.  Mike tells us about the Muppet Tease, L.A. Weekly, a tiny hat and a face full of fish-hooks, many gay podcasts, more burlesque, and a discussion of plugging the tease.  We hear more Statler and Waldorf, animals having sex, terrible things on the internet and X-Tube videos.  We hear about Corey Hill with a broken leg, a broken arm, Steve Cantwell, training MMA, and the pain that comes with it.  We go to the plugs, Eddie Money, we’re proud of Jeff Scott Soto, and more Eddie.  At the end of this episode we hear the first recordings of David “Mex” Hernandez and his 70’s Christmas songs.  Original Songs:  “Ain’t Talkin Bout Love” by Van Halen and “70’s Christmas” by Mex.

Episode Forty: Year One: You’re a Mean One, Mr. Schmidt:  Mike comes to us live on Christmas, the beverage podcast, food critic podcast, and Lili chokes.  Mike teaches about pod-fade, going home for Christmas, writing on a pilot, and exchanging your airline ticket: what is wrong with you?  Mike tells us about the pilot, game show, giving it to charity, the big winner, Mike and a twelve year old.  Mike is working at 7-11 for the second time, walking out, and good luck getting back your smock.  Mike tells us about graveyardville, a space heater, small talk, copper pipe and not if I have anything to say about it sir.  Mike tells us about our sponsor, and we get a Books by the Pound spot.  Mike comes back, music for the show, what Schmidt has to say, Do They Know it’s Christmas, Boy George, Linus and Lucy, Christmas, Jewish friends, and the family from A Christmas Story.  Mike sees a picture of Britney Spears with no make-up, plugs, and Mike’s mom is cooking for Christmas.  Original Songs:  “Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You” by Billy Squier and “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch” by Thurl Ravenscroft.

Episode Forty One: Year One: The Clip Show:  Mike is drinking Black Cherry Propel, when this was recorded, The 40 Year Old Boy out-takes, hidden track, getting producer Eric’s shows, the equipment, pushing buttons, bringing it to the surface, me, me, me, and I’m wearing that shirt.  We get a clip show for 2009, plumbers, 454, from the bottom of a hill, and I haven’t heard these clips.  Mike throws out, Mike’s teeth, hello Romeo, teeth, a free podcast clip show, and death to lies thinks dangerous fat man has a serious point.  Mike trots out Ed Ames, a ladder out of bed, eleven years, the grand slam of podcast clips, a naked pile, yell like a jackass, plugs, and Mike gives a thank you to everyone involved with the show.  Original Songs:  “Next Year” by The Foo Fighters and “Together We Will Ring in the New Year” from the Motion City Soundtrack.

Episode Forty Two: Year One: One Week and Five Days:  Mike starts by talking louder, the sound of the show, Ace Ventura, Jim Carrey, horror movies, hung from a meat-hook, slash acting, Mike and the clip show.  Back from vacation, a brown clown, Glen and his wife don’t own a chair, your family is crazy, and mom’s pot smoking.  Which brothers Mike talks to, Mike and Lenny, Mike loves his mom, mom’s fist through a window, mom’s shower, mom and Christmas dinner.  Karen wants a lime, Mike’s mom doesn’t go out of town, Karen’s mom, Karen’s grandma, first time talking, falling down cement steps, and the Bare Naked Ladies cruise.  What other bands do, roll down a hill with Jamiroquai, get in a van with The Crash Test Dummies, and the people who would pay to do so.  We hear about things that Mike did in Chicago, Universal Studios, Mike’s family, Karen’s friend Vickie, and the story of when Mike met Karen.  Mike tells us about Pete’s younger brother Rich, and a fight at The Warriors movie.  Mike tells us that Rich is rich, an elevator, surround sound, KISS, and Paul Stanley’s “The Jester”.  We go to the plugs, a man in Philadelphia who shot people for talking in a movie theater, and alliteration is awful.  Original Songs:  “5150” by Van Halen and “One Week” by The Bare Naked Ladies.

Episode Forty Three: Year One: What Happened to You, Man?:  We have a Tuesday night record, family in town, Lili with a beard, pixilated picture, vertigo, Pat and escalators, Mike wants to jump, Direct TV on the roof, and still pixilated.  We hear why Lili won’t laugh, poker and podcasts, gay cancer, and looking like the villain in a Bond film.  Mike is not doing well, I used to be beautiful, last week’s show, what mom thinks, Mike’s weight, crushing things at IKEA, weight loss surgery, Aretha Franklin, food and her piano, passing gas with a hitch hiker, and Karen helps.   Mike wins the fat Olympics, the actual beverage podcast, losing weight, working out, stomach acid, sugar dumping, and losing ground.  Getting it off his mind, save it for graveyardville, Mike has us, Mike meets Richard the trainer, and social situations equal food for Mike.  Mike mentions the chick in therapy, losing more weight, and forty more pounds.  Mike takes 2008 off, sorting candy containers, going backwards in my head, old clothes, personality shirts, a container of aquarium rocks, a different notch on the belt, I know what I need to do, and I just need to do it.  We hear about the way Mike worked out, podcast motivation, not going to the Dr., plugs, the Comics on Comics video podcast, the funniest thing I have ever said in my life, Comics on Comics edit, Pirate King, India Killed George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic, the MNT, Karen helps out, Handjob Wilson and Whitebeard Jenkins.  Original Songs:  “Finish What You Started” by Van Halen and “Don’t Give Up” by Peter Gabriel with Kate Bush.

Episode Forty Four: Year One: Artless Snark and the Sidesaddle Lefty:  This week we get a podcast not a sadcast, are you ok, people writing to Mike; the good and the bad.  We are told where the click wheel is, brave on the internet, a little maudlin, and who clicks send?  We hear about artless snark, Bernie Madoff, Peter is pissed, Kevin Bacon, anonymous artless snark, Sean Penn, Michael Jordan, Chicago celebrity, you are that guy, and climbing the mountain.  Lili looks up Kyra Sedgwick, ambidextrous hand jobs, sidesaddle lefty, an episode for Lili’s breasts, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge and 316.  Mike is choosing the music, selling meat, Icky Woods, and maybe not a successful comedian.  Mike is delivering the phone book, Kyra and Glenn, playing to Lili, that’s not my job, day without a Mexican, a hat dance of Mexicans, calling in gay, a Prince in Africa, the F.B.I., and a scam.  Mike calls the woman he used to date, blown off in 30 seconds, old demo tapes, the way Mike looked on his demo, the fake gum chew, second demo, easy access, Jeff’s first visit, a game of 3 Card Monte,  Mike gets angry, Hulk smash, 100$ disappears inside, no TV, and just a guy that they knew.  Mike watches the first inauguration of President Obama, and you’re not cool if you want people to think you’re cool:  Oprah, and Justin.  We hear about politicians on the internet, youtube and Obama, McCain and Myspace, looking for change, approval ratings, plugs, Mike cuts his face, and Predator.  Original Songs:  “The Pleasure Dome” by Van Halen and “The Card Cheat” by The Clash.


Episode Forty Five: Year One: A King, a Crown, and a Royal Family:  We have a second attempt, Tuesday night, Propel, black cherry, a lot of talk about a drink, and a 50 Cent beverage.  Mike goes to the doctor, a week away from candy, back pain, diabetes, Munchuasen syndrome, back to the pain, absolutes, working out with diabetes, Dr. Love, and our doctor begins to forget.  We find a new doctor, a free clinic situation,, the insurance game, another new doctor, a pedophile’s schedule, Mike’s back is furious, the SAG awards, Hollywood is a self fuck, in the waiting room, Alan and his crown.  It’s Alan’s birthday, male nurse, trouble keeping focus, and taking Alan’s crown away.  Mom doesn’t speak English, he’s five, crown, crown, crown, crown, and Mike gets it back.  Alan abdicated his throne, meeting the doctor, Mike explains, and he gets the doctor face.  The doctor gives a diagnosis, an enemy in the nurse, working out, and mom’s heard that show.  Mike’s mom gets upset, not talking to each other, Glen, Lindsey Lohan, Red Bull, Jessica Simpson, Fat dead Elvis, and it’s not Elvis’s, Elvis’s eating habits, fool’s gold loaf, Mike and friends at Graceland.  Mike tells us about Elvis, somebody better pin a note on that monkey, necklaces, The Memphis Mafia, and our own Superfriends.  That guy is the king of rock and roll, when Elvis was bored, and eating the monkey.  Mike reads about basketball, Stoolie, the Grand Slam basketball court, and Mike slams it down.  Mike tells us about playing basketball at the MexDome, Mike defines the royal family, the royal family caught on video, Mike wants it erased, Elvis and the royal family, plugs, watching movies on line, plugs, its cold in California, I know what real cold is, I used to not like coats, a girl in shorts, and would you like my pants?  We have a visitor at Lili’s house, and I almost took my pants off.  Original Songs:  “Little Guitars” by Van Halen and “Too Much Monkey Business” by Elvis Presley.


Episode Forty Six: Year One: Craftiness and Sneakability:  We find workmen at Lilis, doing business, sharing the headset, smoking is terrible, Arabian Lou, Karen isn’t home, raping a sock, a raccoon, world’s worst DJ, a girl comes in the booth, a handful of cock, college cheer leader of sex, and working it like corn cob.  We go back to the raccoon, I can still see her face, hit in the face by Bruce Springsteen, betting on the Super Bowl, and Lili does a spit-take.  Mike tells us about losing his virginity, mentions Guy, restaurant food exchange, putting a record store out of business, Lili’s condo, the record store, and Mike mentions a situation and a grocery store he worked at.  Mike gives himself ten extra hours, a system of theft through inventory, the record store goes bankrupt, the manager takes a tape, for all their worth, and we are not using people’s names.  Mike tells us about Guy’s betting system, twenty years old, football strike of 1987, working for Guy, carrying a gun, pay cut, painting houses, Guy loses everything, and goes to jump.  Guy and Mike are still gambling, chips and salsa with doughnuts, Mike and guy steal tips, renting a room, and shut up or fight.  Mike is living with Delores, finding a vibrator, plugs, a movie that Mike was in, Christian Bale freaks out, and Hollywood’s sense of humor.  Original Songs:  “Running with the Devil” by Van Halen and “Jerk Off (live)” by Tool. 

Episode Forty Seven: Year One: If This is a Medical Emergency…:  We open with eleven elevens, I am Will Hunting, moon with a hat on, Hammurabi’s code, doctors report, liquid cheese, punching condiments, pickles, and other sides.  We give some blood, cheese break, lab work, trying to pee, a male nurse, and the doctor.  Mike gives a call to Propel, if this is a medical emergency, black cherry, and new bottles.  Karen is baking cookies, communion wafer, and money issues.  Mike introduces us to a music playing restaurant, chicken with Dokken, restaurant promotion, credit, answering e-mails, awards shows, apathy and Blink 182.  Mike talks about Stevie Wonder, blind without the glasses, American Idol, blindy and the nut-bar, Grammys, Gwyneth Paltrow,  goatse, Universal Studios and Star Trek. Mike takes him mom to a live TV taping, a meeting with ABC, Jerry Marshall molesting people, plugs, The Bound Volumes of an Idiot, and count the fucks.  Original Songs: “Summer Nights” by Van Halen and “Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin” by Journey.

Episode Forty Eight: Year One: A Visit From Vic Dunlop:  Mike starts off meeting with the fuck counselor, Singin in the Rain, sounds, oral sex, the price of waxing, Mike’s mom changes Karen’s bandages, and freshly shorn balls.  Mike introduces us to Smooth Control, police debate, a helluva lotta ball talk, Arizona and black people, the stars and bars, the 48th state and black history month.  We talk some George Washington Carver, the bar where Mike bounced, people want names, A-Rod and steroids, a crush on your cousin, sex with Mollie, and a venereal disease.  We learn that a croupier knows about venereal disease, showing the guys, we go to the clinic, fake name, answering questions, a lady doctor, diagnosis, in through the out-door, Vic Dunlop, telling Mollie, and a slap in the face. Mike talks plugs, no word on the pilot, and The Osborne Variety show.  Original Songs: “Source of Infection” by Van Halen and “By the Time I Get to Arizona” by Public Enemy.

Episode Forty Nine: Year One: I Hated Being Small:  Mike brings us in with song, Lili, needing to go, Calvin Klein jacket, open mic, cookie monster, collectibles, the things that Mike can see, fog juice, lube, 70 minutes, carousel horse, and two Japanese girls.  Mike hosts burlesque, Karen reacts to a joke, the contradicting feelings of punching walls:  The Laugh Stop, Karen’s mom’s house, Mike’s mom bad moods, breaking the kitchen table, Lenny fixes it, I hated being small, the domino fight, and back to Karen’s mom’s house.  Mike wonders about having kids, a quick Lil’ Schmitty, Paul Goebel, Propel, high fructose corn syrup and lies.  Mike contemplates a full bladder, budget sushi, on my right hand side, sitting at a table, and stick your dick in a box of Cracker Jacks.  Mike and Karen watch the Oscars, the gayness, Slumdog Millionaire, Benjamin Button, plugs, Comedy Death Ray, plugs, 70 minutes, and Craigslist personal ads.  Original Songs: “Black and Blue” by Van Halen and “One of My Turns” by Pink Floyd.

Episode Fifty: Year One: What are You, In the Monkees?:  We open with fireworks, a night time Tuesday record, paying the staff with a hotdog and a rice krispie treat.  We get some fun with numbers, Lili is busy, grandiose ideas, The Blue Man Group, Teller, curlers, Artie Lange, Mike needs a phone, Jabra the headset and Jabba the Hut.  Karen is the in house tech, the Sprint Store, the Plantronics 9000 and the ass raping robot.  Mike is talking to Sprint, up to his face, researching a new phone, and looking at Lili’s phone.  Mike is asked about his 401K, sushi futures are down, being broke, Karen won’t eat leftovers, a fridge full of Manderette, 20$ for Karen, tambourine, living like Lloyd Christmas, violin lessons, Karen’s routine, and The Monkees.  Karen cooks at home, Mike can’t eat pasta, a star mold for my ass, and Karen makes Mike a special sandwich.  We hear about a jail sandwich, the Noel BLT, and Karen is prepared for the depression.  Mike tells us about Ransom’s MG; the red sled, fire in the passenger seat, eating poor, voting, and campaign flyers in your mailbox.  Mike talks Shirley Manson, Comedy Death Ray, nervous about stand-up, and Mike shouldn’t be doing open mics.  We talk some ass raping robot, open mics, the coffee house, the idea book, filming without permission, used to be a gay bar, and Plantronics makes pizza.  We go to the plugs, the man in the boat, MNT, and getting a job at Dodgers Stadium.    Original Songs:  “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen and “For Pete’s Sake” by The Monkees.


Episode Fifty One: Year One: I Always Cry After I Orgasm:  Mike is letting us know how he feels, micro-managing, sound of the show, editing, and an executive decision.  We are told about recording issues, Mike’s manila envelope full of cassette tapes, the Mike Schmidt flash mob (we will develop a guy that represents the show), from show to cult, Mike Schmidt Street Team, Lou the Racist Bartender, his old girlfriend, her limp, the second tower on 9/11, everybody is angry, business partners, and bone quiet.  Lou answers the phone, Mike posing as a nun, bi-hat, and how is anybody that mad?  Mike observes Lou’s dating habits, Luke the Racist bartender, Han shot first, and the women Lou brings home.  Mike listens to Vic Dunlop, episode Dick Butkus, football actors, street trash, Y&T, Donnie Osmond, and we found this album in a manila envelope. We learn about Lou’s new girlfriend, loud sex, and questioning Karen’s judgment on looks.  Mike knows it’s fake, bone quiet to slip and slide, putting on a show, and Mike is too cynical for a fake orgasm.  Mike thinks this is part of the circus, I always cry after I orgasm, and oh man I’m with a fuckin crazy chick.  I’m sorry I can’t rent here it’s haunted, you don’t need a television, Lili’s a yeller, you’re lucky you’ll never fuck me, Lili on the Paul Goebel show, Mike is jealous, Pictures of Lili,  more about Paul’s show and the trick date.  Mike won’t let Paul Provenza talk, Bolingbrook High, women’s basketball, still following school teams, names that are still punch lines: FUF, Zit Chin, Bucket of Mud, adults and high school sports.  Mike tells us about Joe’s Rowdy Rootin Raiders, Bo Derek Playboy, Joe in the bathroom, I fell off the toilet, we won’t ever mention this again, women from all angels, running into Joe now, and the silent pact.  Mike gives a hearty Go Raiders!  The 40 Year Old Boys of basketball, plugs, Comedy Death Ray, cleaning up the show, renting out Lili’s laugh, I hated being small, Comedy Film Nerds, and The Watchmen. Original Songs:  “Jamies Cryin” by Van Halen and “Jealous” by Robert Palmer.

Episode Fifty Two: Year One: Everything’s Over…:  Mike opens with a case of strep throat, stratacophagus, voice over guy, Shuggy Knight, black people are cool, our friend Barak Obama: more like a guy who won a contest, killing AIG executives for their bonuses, Ron White, and the pledge of allegiance with a pen in your mouth.  Mike sees The Last House on the Left, and I Spit on Your Grave.  Mike tells us about finding porn in the alley, and a seven year old Mike reads porn to his friends.  We hear more about Last House and I Spit, too old for horror movies, Saw, the first Hostel, and The Last House on the Left.  Mike tells us that the pilot is dead, Chelsea “Sully” Sullenberger, my pilot died, and The 40 Year Old Boy is a year old.  Mike talks about friends in different stages of divorce, how does this affect my life, abandonment issues, couple friends splitting up, snipe fest over chips, and who gets who in the divorce?  Mike was known as Jimmy’s guy, when things change, John Ritter’s death, and I will read porn to  Mike talks about his lifelong obsession with porn, wrong but funny at seven, Bubs Daddy gum, the candy store, and the creepy owner with a voice box.  Mike tells us about hanging out separately, strangers coming in, and meeting a couple in Hawai’i.  Mike tells us about a time when Karen left, the crying guy, a CD of crying songs: “Save Me” by Queen, “I’m Gonna Be Strong” by Cyndi Lauper, I didn’t want to be divorced guy,  everything’s over, Karen came back, and they go to counseling.  Mike has been consumed by his pilot going down and friends are fracturing.  Mike will be understanding, getting married, adjusting your behavior, and never growing up.  Mike is out on the road with Brian Noonan, Mall of America, the bachelorette party, and talking dirty to the bride.  Mike tells Karen everything, Brian Noonan, Indianapolis, and I will do you to get to him.  Mike doesn’t want to meet new people, everything is over, I’m the Sex Pistols, plugs, closing of year one, a busload of Chinese tourists and $8,000 houses in Detroit.  Original Songs:  “Little Guitars (intro)” by Van Halen and “Better Man” by Pearl Jam.





“Home,” featuring Maya Rudolph

  12-string guitar: Eban Schletter

                Piano: Jebin Bruni

              Drums: Scott Rodgers

              Guitar: Brandon McCulloch

                Bass: Paul Bryan

          Trumpet: Jamie Adams

Backup vocals: Scott Rodgers

                         Kathryn Burns

                         Aubrey Leigh

                         Grant-Lee Phillips

Musical director: Eban Schletter

Camera: Neil Mahoney

Special thanks: Ben Acker, Ken Crosby, Cash Hartzell, Jesse Honig, Robert Loveless, Michael Griffee, Flanagan, and everyone at Largo at The Coronet. 

Extra-special thanks: The audience.

Original song written & recorded by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

For Janie.




Last Emperor f. Poetic - One Life

Last Emperor has an excellent first verse on this song, but it belongs to Poetic, who has the second verse. If you don’t know who Poetic is, you owe it to yourself to check out the Gravediggaz two nearly-perfect albums, on which Poetic appeared as The Grym Reaper. The Gravediggaz albums dealt with death as a metaphor, but this verse of Poetic’s deals with death as a reality. At the time he recorded it, he was in the last stages of cancer treatment, and he died before it was released. If you ask me, it’s one of the most remarkable rap verses ever recorded.

Paralyzed on the bathroom floor by pain
Last month I endured, but now I can't ignore
Feels like railroad spikes being stuck in my liver
Am I dying? Eyes crying, body starting to shiver
Crawl upstair from the basement calling my sister
(Sniff) Dawn help me, I ain't feeling too healthy
Stomach walls burning, head spinning and turning
Waiting for the EMS; 3:10 in the morning
Rush me to the emergency screaming like a newborn
The pain's too strong maybe my soul's trying to move on

Jesse Thorn is one of my favorite people.  He introduces me to rap I probably wouldn’t have listened to.  My father died of cancer, this song moved me in such a way as I cannot explain.


This week, Azaelia Banks took to Twitter and accused her boyfriend/manager of “trying to put his hands on” her. Since the boyfriend/manager’s name is Dave Holmes, a good many of the world’s gossip blogs simply did a Google image search and grabbed the first picture they found, which happens to be mine. So I’ve been dealing with those blogs one by one, and with the countless strangers throughout the social media universe who now believe me to be a domestic abuser. It’s been pretty depressing, the way anybody with a laptop can carelessly wreck another human being’s reputation, the fact that no adults seem to be in charge anymore, the idea that there is no such thing as truth. And that this is all happening around a woman who may have been hit by her boyfriend makes it sicker and sadder and a better reason for me to throw my laptop into a lake and go be a fucking park ranger whose only friends are trees and clumsy bears. 
Anyway, now people are trying to send me beats. 


This week, Azaelia Banks took to Twitter and accused her boyfriend/manager of “trying to put his hands on” her. Since the boyfriend/manager’s name is Dave Holmes, a good many of the world’s gossip blogs simply did a Google image search and grabbed the first picture they found, which happens to be mine. So I’ve been dealing with those blogs one by one, and with the countless strangers throughout the social media universe who now believe me to be a domestic abuser. It’s been pretty depressing, the way anybody with a laptop can carelessly wreck another human being’s reputation, the fact that no adults seem to be in charge anymore, the idea that there is no such thing as truth. And that this is all happening around a woman who may have been hit by her boyfriend makes it sicker and sadder and a better reason for me to throw my laptop into a lake and go be a fucking park ranger whose only friends are trees and clumsy bears. 

Anyway, now people are trying to send me beats. 

12-15-12 6:15 am

i say a prayer for those who are lost
those who are taken
and those who remain

i say a prayer for those in confusion
those who are angry
and those in their pain

i share a smile and some laughter
some love some light
comfort and hope

i only want to hold you closer
share my warmth
and help you cope

i give of myself to you
for i know not what else to do
this gift comes shining through
when there is only rain

i give of these words to page
with so much more to say
perhaps we can all find our way
and no matter who

comes knocking on my door 
i will not give in to fear
we celebrate the light
to keep the darkness from coming near

Cross Stitch

In this home I hope to find

a sense of place and peace of mind

with friends who are more like family

these things that are so dear to me

through all the laughter and the tears

the good the bad in every year

we take it all with no surprise

so we can say we loved our lives

(I always pictured this on a pillow on my grandmother’s couch for some reason) 



imageA few years ago, I was living in student housing with a few friends. We were all involved in theatre, threw several loud parties, and generally spent our days as carefree arts students often do. Mostly we ignored our other neighbours, except to scoff at the occasional noise complaint….

Not too sure anyone is reading what I throw out there yet, but if you are, this is worth a read.


I wrote this a long time ago, after the Rodney King trial.  As I meander through the tumblr, things will come up that I want to share, and things that are new will be shared to the multitudes of none that are paying attention.  The circle of life.  

Of course my friend

you could be my enemy

we could draw swords

fire bullets

watch blood drip from the ceiling

tears run in rivers

build our worlds around sadness


Or we could find our brothers

show them how different they are

curse them for it

show them the color of their skin

force them to the ground



Of course my love

you could be my enemy

spit in your face

learn you lessons in decadence

shield ourselves from the truth

run from the light

kiss our asses goodbye

and fall off the edge of the earth

I Am Still


was waiting endlessly

and you

you hardly noticed


before the sun melted away

and we are better for this



sifts through this masquerade

and i

am still here waiting


dressed in shades of grey


along the dawning of the day

bravo for your cunning fills this hole you left in me

the words that have been falling fall on top of my beliefs

hand this sadness back give it everything I own

lives before your beauty as we die in prose

almost comes to nothing and it almost sets me free

i am still here waiting

i almost always end up falling in between

and i am still here waiting

a piece has broken off of me

now i must be ruled by shame

go ahead just take it with you

souvenir of your pleasant stay

struggling into temptation

now you must face the blame

hope you are better for this

how does that bitter taste

time flies

and i am left flailing


myself and i’m failing inside


if this

is what

i meant

when i said


no long-

-er want

to pretend

that this is everything

and is that anything

if i


if i


if i,

if i

there’s only me

and i have paid a price

i think i have paid it twice


against all the never ending

useless thoughtless false pretending

pace of life and hope and dreams

gets inside like some disease

and i have left it festering

i was never listening

this is what it really means